Wednesday, Jan. 30, 2002, 10:32 p.m., tired

Yesternight was very cool. Yesterday sucked, but last night was good.

The day sucked big time because of all the interruptions to 'my work' (except the interruptions are part of my work too).

The night was good. It started when Ray toddled towards me as I came in through the door. He gave me one of the sweetest hugs. Daymn, but it made me feel much better straight away.

Then later that night, I got to know my cousin again, after a hiatus of ...er, uh... 5-6 years?

We talked. The usual things between two close people. Family, and personal relationships. That kind of gunk.

And I think I might even have had some personal growth.

It's too early to tell. Maybe I'm just really really tired because we went to sleep so late.

Monday, Jan. 28, 2002, 11:15 p.m., forsakenness

I was updating this for the sake of the people who check in more than once a day. For people who do not live in the same timezone as me.

Then it came to me that I did have something on my mind. The issue of Fidelity.

Not that I can explain it. I can't. But it is something which was on my mind today, and is still in here at the end.

I'd like to have a dialogue on this. I'd like to know what other people think on this.

I'm not even sure what I think of the issue. It appears to be too big a topic for me to have a concept of. (btw, there is a small, brown armoured cricket in my room, crawling up the curtain.) I'd guess, on general principles, I agree with Fidelity. People should be loyal to the one they are promised to. Otoh. That's Loyalty, not Fidelity. So what is Fidelity?

Love, Honour, and Cherish? That's marriage, ain't it?

And when will I have more productive thoughts in my head again? y'know, the thoughts where I can actually cogitate a logical answer to.

To chiv: Today I was outside in summer, under the shade of a tree, lying on the grass. Reading a 'Lord Peter Wimsey' collection of stories, by Dorothy L. Sayers. There was a cool breeze. And then I had a call from my sister telling me to watch out for a white&blue plane containing her and her hubby, amongst the wing of 20 small planes which were going to fly past at 5 minute intervals. So me and my cousin and my mom were gazing up at the cloudless sky, the blue stretching forever, the blinding yellow sun. It was a very companionable episode.

Good things happen in my day. I don't give them as much notice as I honestly should.

Sunday, Jan. 27, 2002, 1:07 p.m., little things

*sigh*

I'm feeling down.

I've just realised. I don't know how to have fun. I don't know how to relax.

Sure, I can vege out. Simple as. I can procrastinate. I have hobbies. I can go to the movies, I can go to the mall.

But to actually have fun? That's a different answer.

I also have a problem with Working Well. I can Work Hard. I can do that. But I don't know how to Work Well. That gets me down too, because I'm expending my time futilely.

I enjoy being _here_. It relaxes me. And when I get reponses from people due to the things I write, it cheers me up a bit. Writing out my feelings... it's carthatic. But I don't want carthathis, I want to Be Happy.

At the moment, my eyes are stinging somewhat. Probably due to not enough sleep. Computer games is out, because my mind is buzzing with other things. And so I can't relax, go to it.

I'm in the frame of mind to simply sit, and watch. When I find a good place to go, I shall. But I got things in my brain. Things I don't want to think about. I can't find any resolution to them. And it annoys me.

That is, perhaps, the idea for finding friends. To stop myself thinking.

*heh* Okay, I just went through my phone address book. An amazing percentage of them are busy this Sunday. *sigh* I need new friends.

Next:forsakenness | Prev:very funny LOTR:FotR movie offtake
(c) Sockii