Thursday, Jan. 31, 2002, 11:06 p.m., Good night.

I'm home. And I've realised. I'm also probably having a sense of frustration.

There is no-one I can talk to.

It never mattered before, because I never leaned upon anyone. I didn't allow myself to do so.

I knew I would become dependent.

I will get better, I promise. Anytime now, I'm going to get some like-minded souls as friends. Then I'll stop feeling lonely.

oh damn. So that's the problem. I'm feeling the lack of companionship.

:(

I wish I live in the .uk

One last "Good night".

That's the good thing for this entry. I'm going straight to bed.

Thursday, Jan. 31, 2002, 10:05 p.m., burble.

I can't describe how I feel. For some reason, I can't be happy. I'm not down. I've just got the Light Blues.

Why am I unhappy. I can describe how I'm feeling. My arms drag by my side. My fingers hang limpidly. My brain feels as if it is ready to droop out from my ears and onto the ground. And I wouldn't protest.

Maybe it is because I feel as if I am being stuffed back into a pigeon-cage I no longer want to live in. Maybe because I can no longer live in it.

Maybe it is because I feel torn between two sides. I might have mentioned it before, last year in September. It was not a happy night. Well, now it is a lower grade of aggravation, but prolonged. Almost 3 weeks. Since January 11.

Why. why. Why can't they sort things out? Why can't I live in a general aura of peace and harmony?

Why must I care about them? Caring hurts. What is the point of caring for two low-brained idiotic people, each concerned only with their own concerns, each concerned only with their pride and retribution?

I'm going to be exhausted soon. I want to escape so badly. But I will feel equally bad if I leave them to their own devices, 'cause of I know they won't be looking for their mutual best interests.

I either hate loud voices, or I hate my dad. The shouting grates on my ears, rapidly demolishing any walls I may have managed to build to guard against my "I don't like him" sentiments.

In other news, it appears that I'm getting a learned aversion to computers. Now, I no longer associate computers with Fun. Seemingly, it is becoming linked with Work. boring. yawn.

I have got to get a better life. Perhaps a trade-in.

To chiv: The good thing today. I managed to get off work on time. I managed to talk with MiQ. I played with Ray. I talked with Sil. I talked with Amy.

Unfortunately, I have learnt that happy things cannot make me happy, in and of themselves. Not even when they come in numbers greater than three. bummer.

The good thing about yesterday was that I managed to get above 300 in the game Snake II =)

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